Friday, March 20, 2015

eyeofh: My Confession

eyeofh: My Confession: Every once in a great  while, the truth comes upon you. There is one person that gave me the strength to write this...I will best her with ...

My Confession

Every once in a great while, the truth comes upon you. There is one person that gave me the strength to write this...I will best her with my lightsaber on St. Kitts one day!....




Every once in awhile a moment or a situation comes along that walks right up to us, punches us in the stomach, and whispers in our ear "time to look in the mirror" while we are doubled over in pain.

I've had a few of those lately, and since the only way I seem know how to view myself honestly is through my writing, this will be my mirror check.

If you are still reading this after the first couple of lines chances are these truths about me have affected you. I need to get this out. If I die tomorrow I don't want anything left on the table.

My mind never stops. Little things to most are mountains of thought after rehashed thought to me. It never stops and, in the end, it always ends up hurting those of you who I care about the most. I've often wondered if it was some type of chemical imbalance, or mental deficiency. I've sought treatment for depression and anxiety. I've tried all manner of remedies...and still, I will not change.

It boils down to two things I suppose.

First and foremost, I have an incessant need to be the good guy and find a way to have everyone like me. Years ago a good friend of mine used to call me 'The Mayor'. He said that all I really wanted was to be liked by everyone. He said he admired that about me because it always assured that I was trying to do the right thing by everyone. He also said that doing the right thing by everyone was a near impossibility, and that, in the end, I would be the one who suffered for it. It was one of the truest things ever said to me...and still, I will not change.

I wear my heart, bloody and bruised, openly and without shame, on my proverbial sleeve. I don't know how not to care. I don't know how not to get involved. I don't know how to put the breaks on my emotions and I most certainly have no stop valve when it comes to pouring my heart and soul into those I love. It's just not the way I'm wired and it has affected everyone I know, both positively and negatively over the years. The truth is that if I love you I love you. I can't stop it any more than I could stop breathing. I wouldn't stop it even if i could. It has brought me to the brink of true happiness once and down to the depths of loneliness on more occasions than I care to recount...and still, I will not change. That brings us to issue number three...

For all my desire to make people happy and do the right thing by them I am selfish beyond compare. If I TRULY love you I give you all. I'm all in and in it for the long hall and in it to win it and every other cliche you can possibly think of all wrapped up in one emotionally exhausted ball of 'whatever you need, whenever you need it." That IS how I'm wired. That is the way I approach my relationships with the ones I love. It is also what i would give anything to have in return. Sadly, and all to often, my timing is completely off, my selfish need to be loved is to intense, and I have pushed the people I want most to be near off in another direction entirely...and still, I will not change.

So now all of these things make up my psyche. All of these things make up me. I want so badly to help people and be liked and push people towards their dreams and help them succeed. I am hopelessly infatuated with the moments in life that change us forever...the ones that lift our spirits towards the heavens, as well as the ones that dash our hopes on the wall of our own discontent. I feel the need to facilitate these moments, to write about these moments...to live, love, and laugh through these moments and, when necessary, to bleed through these moments. I am a drama king because that is how I am wired. Nothing ever was, or ever will be, small to me. I torture myself with all of this because, somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, I feel that is what I deserve. In moments like these I throw myself into my work and my writing to hide from the pain. In those moments of hiding I am always at my best. I do the best work. I write the most compelling stories. I affect the most people positively because I have finally succeeded in alienating the people I love the most enough to be forced to focus on everyone but myself. All of this, and still I will not change.

All of this and I can still only be who I am. I've driven my daughter 2600 miles away from me and decimated countless relationships including one that had the potential to make everything and everyone in my life finally make sense. I've done all of this in the name of 'love' and 'doing the right thing' and 'making everyone happy' and, perhaps most importantly, because I don't have that stop valve that everyone else seems to that allows them to deal with situations rationally rather than with their bruised and bloody heart.

I don't write this to garner sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. Trust me, I don't deserve it. 

I write this because I needed to confess. I needed to look in the mirror and judge myself. I've been judged by others. I've been called a fool. I've been called a softy. I've been called a bleeding heart. And, perhaps worst of all, I've been called a nice guy. It's that last one that gets thrown in my face every time someone wants to politely call me a sucker. 

Well here's the truth and my judgment upon myself. I am ALL of these things. I am all of them and so much more. I act this way because it is who I am. I want to help people. I want people to like me. I want to write great and terrible stories. I want to help EVERY SINGLE person I meet succeed and be well. I want to be a father to my daughter and I want to be a father to more children, wether they are mine or strays that need a home. I want to find someone who can deal without the stop valve and has a broken stop valve of their own...someone who wants all of these things and is ok with the fact that once I start I can't and won't stop until I've spent my last day on this planet giving them every ounce of me. This is who I am and I apologize to the ones I hurt, but I cannot apologize for who I am.

With all of this comes the biggest rub. Everyone who would care enough about me to read this has told me all of these things, in one way or another, before. You have told me I'm to nice. Told me I think to much. Told me I over think to much. Told me I don't know when to quit. Told me I don't know when to shut up. Told me I loved the wrong person. Told me I made the wrong decision. You've all told me this would all come back to bite me and it has, repeatedly. And, when it's all said and done, these faults that you have all pointed out in attempts to help me or love me are the very same faults that allow you to dismiss me when Ive overstayed my welcome

And now for the biggest fault of all. For all of this honesty and for every bit of truth of me that I have tried to convey, in the end I am nothing but a liar. I am a liar because tomorrow if we meet in the street and you ask me how I am or if I'm alright...I'll look you straight in the eyes and tell you that I am fine and that everything is alright. I'll do this because I want you to be happy. I'll do this because I dont want you to feel sorry for me because then I would be less in your eyes. Ill do this because you are one of the people I love and I'm to selfish to admit that maybe you don't feel the same, and to hurt to admit  that I'm angry and feel swept aside.

Now for the good part. Now for the reason that, after all of this, I can not change.

I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said:

"I want to be all used up when I die."


Well I want more than that. I want to be decimated. I want to be liquified. I want my broken stop valve to pour what is left of me into my grave. I want to go into whatever comes next knowing with all my broken and bruised heart that I gave everything to every person I had the good fortune of meeting and that I left ABSOLUTELY NOTHING unsaid. I want to know that every chance I had at love I took and made my best effort to be everything those people might have needed DESPITE all of my shortcomings and that, hopefully, the disfunctionality that was me maybe allowed you all to appreciate the real, and right, thing when you found it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

It's been a long time since I rock and rolled...

"It's been a long time since I rock' n rolled..."

So I've been gone for awhile.

I've been the very opposite of "in the moment", or "living life to its fullest", or even "here".

I have not written.

I have not commented.

I have not even remotely connected to what is going on around me.

I have found plenty of ways to fall short of myself, and to fail the people closest to me.

I have plummeted down the rabbit hole and, though I was keenly aware of its presence before me, I promise I did not jump willingly.

I lost my balance...as most of us do.

I am still reeling, and I have questions...

Do you recall the last time you fell?

Do you remember the choked silence before the impact?

Does the desire to scream, and the inability to do so, haunt you long after the dull thud of your free will on that cold, unforgiving, floor?

Do you understand that none of this matters?

Do you possess the strength to say yes to the previous statement?

Do you wield the courage to embrace the weakness I've shown without judgment?

I've written this garbage in a moment of weakness...do you have the compassion to understand that, and speak positively below?



Sunday, February 21, 2010

Quote Note Of The Day 02/21/2010


Oh how true?  Revolutionary ideas do not leap from the minds of the well sated.  They vomit forth from the malnourished hearts of those left behind...those left to starve!
There is no reason to go to the grocer when the pantry is full.
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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Together

I shall be as you,
and you as me...


Forever solitary
in this being.
Common only
in our distance.


My existance is nothing,
save the heart
of a soul's dream.
It beats so alone
as to have dreamed of you.



Copyright 2010  Dave Beaver - All Rights Reserved

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